Caught in the middle

I’ve been trying to build a new habit of doing morning pages from the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I started a few times and like all good habits, I just keep trying and failing until it finally sticks. And this time it might be stuck? Time will tell. The ideas is to write three pages of longhand writing , strictly stream-of-consciousness, or could be called a brain drain. Julia calls them a tool for creative recovery. To be honest, for now,  mine look more like to-do lists and more about writing things I need...like this blog post...but it is what’s on my mind so I say it counts. As I get better at it maybe I’ll find those deeper thoughts to write about, but for now I simply can’t find them. Oh, and did I mention they are not to be shared? Can we make an exception for this one?

4.24.24. 

I need to send out a newsletter today and I need to think about my creative process so I can find a way to understand it. Is there a way we would combine the two?

Caught in the middle. It’s not an easy place to be comfortable in. Let’s be honest, it’s a place I often want to flee from as fast as I can. To run away. To quit. It’s the part where (I hear) growth happens. That’s why it’s so uncomfortable. Makes sense, right? I could be talking about a painting (as I am in this case) or a relationship, a job, a workout or eating commitment. As I always say, art relates to life in so many ways.

As much as I understand the messy middle, it’s really difficult to stay confident through it. To trust the messy middle lead you where you need to go.

Yesterday I was working on a 16x16 peony in the afternoon. First let me say that my creativity confidence wanes in the afternoon because my mind isn’t as focused and crisp as it is in the morning. I know this is a self-imposed belief that I’d like to disprove...

So off I go painting this peony. I premixed my colors and dove in with all of my heart. I had a nice transparent later, maybe a tad juicy, but that can be fixed. Then I played with my pigment sticks for pops of unexpected color and began painting with my brush, well the messy middle came quickly and hung out with me for quite a long time...almost the duration of the painting. I did lose confidence, thought about wiping it off and starting over, abandoning the journey, but I stuck with it anyway.

I think the problem was that my vision for the painting, think soft pinks and pale bluish greys, was not the vision the painting had for itself. So as I persevered and wondered if I was making everything worse, I began to see a path to the finish. This is often the stage where I get excited and tend to rush to the finish. Much like a race, but it’s not a race at all, quite the opposite. 

Rushing is usually not a good ingredient for painting, at least not for me. The better way forward is to step back, find a comfortable chair and just sit and look at your painting from a distance. A birds eye view. Make a note of that, it’s good advice. 

The painting was coming together, it wasn’t what I had in mind originally, but it took me on it’s own journey to just what it was meant to be. Why is it that allowing art to take me on an adventure is what I absolutely love most about the process, and also the scariest part?

So my advice to myself today, and probably every day, is just start whatever you are setting out to do with a wildly open heart. Find what confidence you can muster through the messy middle, and don’t give up. Just slow down and breathe and then listen to where the journey is leading you and trust. It’s all about confidence and trust, isn’t it?